When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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