Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
