If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
