I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
