Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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