Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
