Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize