Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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