I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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