____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize