the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
