oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
