No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
