I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
