I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
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