What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
