My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
