My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
