One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Randomize