i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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