I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
