I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
