Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
