got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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