im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
