I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
