i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
