my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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