Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Randomize
