Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize