I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
