He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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