She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
