I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
