Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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