I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
