It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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