My Higher Power is John Stamos
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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