I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
