Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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