He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
