i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
