My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
