Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
