she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
drinking out of a sandbucket again
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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