So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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