you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
