Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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