pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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