Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
