omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
