I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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