I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
