i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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