he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
MIDGETS
????
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
