you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
