I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize