why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
