I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize